Alright scrotes. (Off to Vietnam in a bit to see Bryan but before that, enjoy this wee musing on Korean life)
Twas the day before Chuseok, Teachers desks had been warmed,
Requests to leave early had been wrathfully scorned.
So sat at his desk like a dog with two dicks,
(But sadly with no one to fondle those pricks)
Mark Teacher began to imagine a poem
To send to his family and friends back at home.
He thought of the people he'd met over here,
Who ranged from the sound to incredibly queer.
And of course I mean queer in the strange kind of way-
Seinfeld has taught me that its fine to be gay.
But now time to get ourselves back on track
To the teachers in Korea and all that they lack.
Stupidity abounds like clockwork each day,
On facebook where people don't think but just say.
For groups are devoted to discuss Daegu living
But the questions they ask just can't be forgiven.
Now I must warn what you're about to hear
Are genuine queries from some folks who are here.
I rhymed hear with here and feel I should explain,
That times running out and I must soon catch my plane.
"Where can I buy X video game?"
This country and yours you'll find are the same.
"Where can I get my hair cut just right?"
Show them a picture and you'll be alright.
"Can someone tell me where to buy tampons?" you say
It makes it no better they're for your fiancée.
"Where do I find this bus or that train?"
Don't make me refer you to google again.
"Please explain the difference between 'will' and 'going to'"
If you're going to be thick then I will punch you.
"Do any English speakers sell contact lenses?"
You need numbers not English, please come to your senses.
"Do I have to give gifts to my teachers today?"
Do if ya want, or don't, either way.
And the worst one of all I'll save for the end,
The lack of good sense I could not comprehend,
When yesterday when clearly the King of The Tards,
Enquired where one could buy a deck of cards.
Are these people unable to fend for themselves?
For I've seen many cards on many shops shelves.
For the simplest thing you'll find they inquire,
With no sense of sarcasm, wit or satire.
If one didn't laugh, one would get depressed
But I've found a few friends so fuck all the rest.
Hope y'all enjoyed. Peace. Happ Chuseok.
Thursday, 27 September 2012
Monday, 10 September 2012
This Things I Believe.
Hello Chingus!
It's been a long time since this blog saw any action so I thought I best give it a good and thorough seeing to seen as Year Dos has now began in Korea. I've had the extraordinary privilege of seeing most if not all your beautiful faces back home quite recently, indeed the salty remnants of those goodbye tears you all shed I'm sure still remain on your cheeks. Alas, such is life. So it goes.
So I thought I'd keep this blog post good and simple, like my brain. As most of you gathered from my musings on Korea while back in the Emerald Isle (and its hotter older sister Denmark) all is not always rosy in these parts. That's not to say "I hate it" as I found out my Dad told Maireads family at the airport. There are good points to the place, there are bad points. The people I (and most other teachers here) find a little odd and Korean customs can range from the mildly amusing to the downright baffling. All this before you even begin to consider the type of character who typically applies to be a teacher here AND before adding a whole host of Muscle Bound Meat Head Military Freaks and their stank ass Ho's. So, without further ado, in a swift and fleeting manner I will know attempt to recount to you some of the things I've learned and discovered here over the past 13 months or so- my observations on the goings on around me in humble little Daegu if you will.
So, this things I believe:
1. Irish people really are everywhere, really are drawn to each other and are generally better craic than most people.
2. Staying with nationalities, (excluding inevitable deviations here and there), the soundest nationalities among a large expat community are as follows: Canadian, Irish, English/Scottish/Welsh. On the other end of the spectrum, I (and many others) have found it to be generally true that the biggest head melters/weirdos/arseholes are: Americans, South Africans. Get Out.
3. Football will keep any football loving boy sane, no matter where he is.
4. A lack of recreational drugs leads to borderline alcoholism among many who before didn't drink a huge amount.
5. Korean people are 'wank walkers' to quote a roommate of mine. From diagonal street crossing to head simultaneously inside both phone and arse to standing on every and all escalators in a clammered bunch so as to impede anyone who may actually, you know, want to also use their legs while on the escalator.....in general, they seem to have taken a misstep with this oh so simplest of human tasks. So it goes.
6. Korean people don't question authority to a worrying level. They collectively believe in the preposterous 'Fan Death', they have a set date where heating/Air-Con go on/off and will not waver from them and my Co-Teacher gets permission from my Vice Principal if I want to nip out to the shop.....??? Without wanting to sound too racist, I find it little wonder that it is people of Korean nationality who are currently living in the most oppressive/backward/brainwashed country in the world. The propensity for questioning authority does not compute in general.
7. Korean taxi's are cheap as fuck and that is amazing.
8. Koreans need to travel abroad more.
9. A lot of people who are going to Korea to teach are weiners. They had no life at home and they hope that maybe somehow they will have one here. Generally they congregate together and they do have somewhat of a life, so whatever, fair play to them, just don't talk to me.
10. Kimchi is better cooked than cold.
11. Korean food can staaaaaaaannnnnnnnnk.
12. Korean food can be ridiculously good and ridiculously cheap when it wants to be. Just gotta up the general standard and drop the war diet.
13. Korean sweat has a distinctively different smell to Western sweat. I've heard they say we smell like dairy. Better dairy than shit mate.
14. London slang can be incredibly fun to use e.g. Cotch- relax, as in to cotch on the couch, to go for a cotch.
15. Sitting at a desk for half the day will make you comment, like and post on facebook to a degree where it seems you have no life. And you don't.
16. Couples dressing may be the gayest heterosexual thing I will ever see.
17. Squatters are grim.
18. Kids are annoying.
19. I am not meant to teach kids this age for a living .
20. Not even a McDonalds delivery service will motivate me to learn Korean.
21. Korean people are not good at respecting a queue and in general the older they are the worse they will be.
22. Living in an apartment which has 2 Xbox's, 2 Wii's and a PS3 makes you feel like a proper Jedi.
23. Being far away from family and friends can really suck balls.
24. Making new and genuine friends from different parts of the world is Super Cris.
25. Beer Pong is a game of Kings.
26. A deck of cards is an essential companion to any night out.
27. Korean beer is wank.
28. So are Korean bar snacks.
29. I din't think it was possible to get Pizza so wrong until I came to Korea.
30. Some Koreans aren't even aware there are web browsers other than Internet Explorer. This results in god awful websites near to impossible to navigate.
31. Koreans can be very stubborn when they think they are right and everyone else wrong.
32. The bad Asian driver stereotype is completely true (at least in the case of Koreans).
33. 4.30 a.m. is too late to stay up for football with work the next day, even if it is the Champions League.
34. Scrubbing a bathroom floor on your hands and knees for the first time will give you a new found respect for your Mother that you should have had all along.
35. There is good and bad everywhere.
36. Life's too short to bitch and moan, you should just enjoy it.
There might be more, there probably is but the last two are the most important anyway and kinda cancel out the previous 34 anyway. Making this post largely irrelevant. I apologise profusely for wasting your time.
Peace out Chingus!
Stay safe and as a wise man once said:
EXPERIENCE LIIIIIIIIIIIIFFFFFFFFFFFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's been a long time since this blog saw any action so I thought I best give it a good and thorough seeing to seen as Year Dos has now began in Korea. I've had the extraordinary privilege of seeing most if not all your beautiful faces back home quite recently, indeed the salty remnants of those goodbye tears you all shed I'm sure still remain on your cheeks. Alas, such is life. So it goes.
So I thought I'd keep this blog post good and simple, like my brain. As most of you gathered from my musings on Korea while back in the Emerald Isle (and its hotter older sister Denmark) all is not always rosy in these parts. That's not to say "I hate it" as I found out my Dad told Maireads family at the airport. There are good points to the place, there are bad points. The people I (and most other teachers here) find a little odd and Korean customs can range from the mildly amusing to the downright baffling. All this before you even begin to consider the type of character who typically applies to be a teacher here AND before adding a whole host of Muscle Bound Meat Head Military Freaks and their stank ass Ho's. So, without further ado, in a swift and fleeting manner I will know attempt to recount to you some of the things I've learned and discovered here over the past 13 months or so- my observations on the goings on around me in humble little Daegu if you will.
So, this things I believe:
1. Irish people really are everywhere, really are drawn to each other and are generally better craic than most people.
2. Staying with nationalities, (excluding inevitable deviations here and there), the soundest nationalities among a large expat community are as follows: Canadian, Irish, English/Scottish/Welsh. On the other end of the spectrum, I (and many others) have found it to be generally true that the biggest head melters/weirdos/arseholes are: Americans, South Africans. Get Out.
3. Football will keep any football loving boy sane, no matter where he is.
4. A lack of recreational drugs leads to borderline alcoholism among many who before didn't drink a huge amount.
5. Korean people are 'wank walkers' to quote a roommate of mine. From diagonal street crossing to head simultaneously inside both phone and arse to standing on every and all escalators in a clammered bunch so as to impede anyone who may actually, you know, want to also use their legs while on the escalator.....in general, they seem to have taken a misstep with this oh so simplest of human tasks. So it goes.
6. Korean people don't question authority to a worrying level. They collectively believe in the preposterous 'Fan Death', they have a set date where heating/Air-Con go on/off and will not waver from them and my Co-Teacher gets permission from my Vice Principal if I want to nip out to the shop.....??? Without wanting to sound too racist, I find it little wonder that it is people of Korean nationality who are currently living in the most oppressive/backward/brainwashed country in the world. The propensity for questioning authority does not compute in general.
7. Korean taxi's are cheap as fuck and that is amazing.
8. Koreans need to travel abroad more.
9. A lot of people who are going to Korea to teach are weiners. They had no life at home and they hope that maybe somehow they will have one here. Generally they congregate together and they do have somewhat of a life, so whatever, fair play to them, just don't talk to me.
10. Kimchi is better cooked than cold.
11. Korean food can staaaaaaaannnnnnnnnk.
12. Korean food can be ridiculously good and ridiculously cheap when it wants to be. Just gotta up the general standard and drop the war diet.
13. Korean sweat has a distinctively different smell to Western sweat. I've heard they say we smell like dairy. Better dairy than shit mate.
14. London slang can be incredibly fun to use e.g. Cotch- relax, as in to cotch on the couch, to go for a cotch.
15. Sitting at a desk for half the day will make you comment, like and post on facebook to a degree where it seems you have no life. And you don't.
16. Couples dressing may be the gayest heterosexual thing I will ever see.
17. Squatters are grim.
18. Kids are annoying.
19. I am not meant to teach kids this age for a living .
20. Not even a McDonalds delivery service will motivate me to learn Korean.
21. Korean people are not good at respecting a queue and in general the older they are the worse they will be.
22. Living in an apartment which has 2 Xbox's, 2 Wii's and a PS3 makes you feel like a proper Jedi.
23. Being far away from family and friends can really suck balls.
24. Making new and genuine friends from different parts of the world is Super Cris.
25. Beer Pong is a game of Kings.
26. A deck of cards is an essential companion to any night out.
27. Korean beer is wank.
28. So are Korean bar snacks.
29. I din't think it was possible to get Pizza so wrong until I came to Korea.
30. Some Koreans aren't even aware there are web browsers other than Internet Explorer. This results in god awful websites near to impossible to navigate.
31. Koreans can be very stubborn when they think they are right and everyone else wrong.
32. The bad Asian driver stereotype is completely true (at least in the case of Koreans).
33. 4.30 a.m. is too late to stay up for football with work the next day, even if it is the Champions League.
34. Scrubbing a bathroom floor on your hands and knees for the first time will give you a new found respect for your Mother that you should have had all along.
35. There is good and bad everywhere.
36. Life's too short to bitch and moan, you should just enjoy it.
There might be more, there probably is but the last two are the most important anyway and kinda cancel out the previous 34 anyway. Making this post largely irrelevant. I apologise profusely for wasting your time.
Peace out Chingus!
Stay safe and as a wise man once said:
EXPERIENCE LIIIIIIIIIIIIFFFFFFFFFFFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, 5 April 2012
Better Friday.
Alright scrotes!
Well, I only just realised its Good Friday now. I'm calling it Better Friday over here cos we can buy booze....sure I coulda got a nice cold Asahi from the 7-11 for the walk to school this morning, continued with a sneaky soju at lunchtime and topped it off with a bottle of Maekgoli on the walk home. After that, the evening will undoubtedly take a turn for the blurry as countless Hay-Z's (Hazelnut beers- they taste awful) are consumed at Thursday party downtown after a Fifa sesh and some dinner. It's weird being away from the Thursday-before-Good-Friday stockpiling but I write this blog only to announce my imminent return and to say Happy Bunny Day. I'm pretty much confirmed for a visit home from August 1st- 24th so free up the dates in your calendar.
That's really all for now apart from the REAL reason I wrote this blog. Check this creepy ass (but hilarious) shit: http://www.happyplace.com/15235/the-creepiest-easter-bunny-photos-ever-taken/page/1
Smell ya later.
Well, I only just realised its Good Friday now. I'm calling it Better Friday over here cos we can buy booze....sure I coulda got a nice cold Asahi from the 7-11 for the walk to school this morning, continued with a sneaky soju at lunchtime and topped it off with a bottle of Maekgoli on the walk home. After that, the evening will undoubtedly take a turn for the blurry as countless Hay-Z's (Hazelnut beers- they taste awful) are consumed at Thursday party downtown after a Fifa sesh and some dinner. It's weird being away from the Thursday-before-Good-Friday stockpiling but I write this blog only to announce my imminent return and to say Happy Bunny Day. I'm pretty much confirmed for a visit home from August 1st- 24th so free up the dates in your calendar.
That's really all for now apart from the REAL reason I wrote this blog. Check this creepy ass (but hilarious) shit: http://www.happyplace.com/15235/the-creepiest-easter-bunny-photos-ever-taken/page/1
Smell ya later.
Thursday, 15 March 2012
The Tuite man Cometh (and other excursions)
Alright Scrotes, Romans, C(o)untrymen.
We all knew this blog would be ridiculously infrequent so I'll just bypass the part where I pretend I meant to keep it up to date, fill you in on so much about Korea etc. etc. Well I guess I fail on bypassing it now and have in fact drawn even more attention to it through my fumbling ad clunky prologue.
Fact of the matter is Korea/Korean life has recently become at best mildly entertaining if monotonous and at worst downright infuriating. Cold as well. It was darn cold, but its picking up a bit I guess. Raining on Paddy's day though- load of me tits.
Anyway, as I said we've well and truly hit the hum-drum stage of life over here. Things are no longer new and exciting, more often than not they're bland and boring....still, I'll fill in from our vacation (HOLIDAY! I've started using words such as 'vacation', 'soccer', 'store', 'sidewalk' due to their prevalence in the spoken English in many of the people here- for shame. So yis have that to look forward to when I come home in addition to the fact that teaching elementary school kids here has attacked my own vocabulary and proficiency in the English language exponentially....look at me, desperately tryin to use big words in a feeble attempt to convince myself my English hasn't gone to pot, but it has...oh it has....sentences usually kinda crawl slowly out of my mouth like a not yet ripened turd that you brazenly attempted to pass too early)....well, I love to sidetrack myself....so, yeah- The Philippines, we went on holiday there. I'm not gonna bother peppering the blog post with pictures of our adventures cos they're all on facebook anyway and I'm sure most of you've seen em/can see them, Bryan- you're just gonna have to buck up and join the cool kids if ya wanna see them, here: https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150560643769146.398575.848709145&type=3
PT I: The Philippines.
So in mid-January, we set off for the Philippines. I insisted on leaving for the airport at a ridiculous hour to ensure we made it there on time, my faith in Mairead's ability to be on time ever dwindling over the passing months. We left from Busan airport and arrived in Cebu....long story short, we were sans money and extremely tired...it was in the wee hours...we got ripped off exchanging our remaining korean won to filipino peso and proceeded to bend over and get buggered by the nearest taxi driver who was willing. This fucker took us to our hotel, proceeded to tell us it was not in a good location and looked like a 'haunted hotel' (it actually did, we completely agreed with him, it was isolated, dark and creepy)...we agreed to let him bring us to Cebu city for a place to stay. Along the drive he informs us of a festival on at the moment Sinulog- so essentially, a festival that will ensure that all city accommodations are booked out? Why, of course! What a dick, he drove us round on an all night wild goose chase for new accomodation, culminating with us returning to the haunted hotel. I'd never been more tired in my life and acquiesced to his ridiculous requests for money- we gave him ALL we had transferred in the airport- the cheeky fucker wanted more, I (half-jokingly) told him I had 3,000 korean won (2 euro) in my pocket if he wanted that.....yep, he did. He wanted it. Fucking shithead. Anyway, I was so exhausted I could barely stand still or sign my name on the hotel receipt. We collapsed into bed in the haunted hotel.
So we stayed there and it wasn't so bad. We explored Cebu a bit, found a nice pub called Magellans, experienced the city centre and its fireworks for Sinulog. At one point in downtown Cebu before the fireworks show I was dying for a piss so I headed for the nearest alcohol dispensary. I was greeted at the door by a midget in a jesters outfit- Mairead pleaded me not to go in but I was busting! I ignored the bizarre burlesque surroundings and the cries of "oh, hello Big Senor" from the many (possibly transvestite) hookers inside the place. As I pissed the toilet attendant began chatting to me...I think he called me Big Senor as well. As I went to wash my hands he continued bigging me up then began MASSAGING MY SHOULDERS?!?! ok, this was too weird, I told him 'no thanks, no ladies, just pissing' and I got the hell outta there. Mairead was waiting outside the toilet door. When we went to leave the midget and the scantily clad ladies were blocking it looking at the fireworks, I sheepishly tried to get by and the midget duly parted the sea of hookers for us.
So we decided to leave the madness of Cebu and head to the more secluded island of Bohol. That was the part of the trip for seeing sights. We went on a river cruise, went ziplining(fucking cool), dolphin watching, saw the chocolate hills and some Tarsiers (smallest monkeys in the world, native to the philippines, BIG eyes). We hit a snag when Mairead got one of the worst sunburns I've ever seen. She fell asleep in the sun sans cream, the only time she stirred was to turn onto her back to give that a good aul scorching as well. As we left the beach she was white as a sheet and getting sick...the next few days weren't too pleasant for her but thankfully the burn was abating somewhat by the time we headed to party central Boracay.
Boracay was rated 2nd best beach in asia, only behind Bali. I was underwhelmed to be honest...not sure what I expected...maybe magical sand particles that don't stick to ye or something...but it was pretty nice anyway. We were there for a good solid week or so and all there was to do was eat and drink (which we did in abundance, the food was a welcome change from the muck ya get in Korea). We did go zorbing though which was fun, and parasailing which was kinda boring, although livened up by Mairead getting sick down into the sea from the parasail. We spent a fuckload of money but to hell with it, you're only young once, eh? We also stayed at a place called 'Faith Village Resort' on Boracay....it was kinda weird and was primarily intended for those seeking spiritual renewal...we used the room mainly for drinking and smoking....
So returning from holidays was depressing as fuck. It was cold and miserable in Daegu and we were expected to come to school to deskwarm despite the absence of any work for us to do. I was deskwarming from early January to just this Monday gone...in between there was 1 week I had to teach a little. Its not so bad once your in school, you can read, watch something, listen to music, even sleep, but I was incredibly irked by the fact that I was expected to get up out of bed at 8 a.m to walk in the freezing cold, just to sit on my arse for 8 hours....some days I got away with sneaking home at lunch, another day I got 'politely' told not to be late again cos I showed up at 9 and not 8.30?!?! keep in mind- I hadn't a bit of work to do and hadn't been late at all (early if anything) while teaching....it would get to you but it could be a lot worse. Latest we're hearing is they may not give us our extra time to go home this summer and will try move it to winter. If my school does that I won't be staying a 2nd year unless I find a different job with no desk warming.
To brighten up the drudgery of deskwarming however, we were treated to the delightful company of one Kenneth Tuite in late February/Early March. I managed to get off early the Friday Ken was arriving. I headed up to Seoul as early as I could to meet him at the hostel we'd booked. It was kind of surreal opening the door to the hostel room to find Ken lying there. Ken's bags hadn't made it with him from China due to complications with connection flights, my spirit was beginning to be crushed by the incessant and pointless deskwarming so we shared a rather exasperated embrace (touched willies and all). We shot the shit for a while then explored the area a little. We experienced some of the fine cuisine the Hogik University area of Seoul had to offer before Mairead arrived (kebab, Taco Bell, Burger King. seriously, Korean food- fuck off!)
The next day we were going on the DMZ tour so we took it handy enough. Next morning we struggle out of bed to make it to Camp Kim to embark on our tour of the Demilitarized Zone between North and South Korea. The tour was a surreal experience and a must for anyone who visits Korea. I was actually impressed by it and I'm impressed by nothing here. We visited a tunnel the north had been digging to the south, an observing point where you could look into the north with binoculars (abandoned highways, empty villages, lone soldiers on watch- creepy), a fully built and functional but empty train station that they hope will be operational one day as a connection between north and south and a gateway for Korea to China, Russia, Europe by railroad. Finally we entered the actual DMZ. We were in the negotiation rooms used by the two during armistice talks, literally on the border and we went to an excellent vantage point to see 'Freedom Village' or maybe it was 'Propaganda Village', I forget where you could see into North Koreas 'staged' village full of empty houses with painted on windows.
That night we went out and got wrecked. Was good but my memory is hazy, as is often the case with me on nights here. When I hit the bottle, I hit it hard and the bars stay open till all hours so black outs are frequent.
After that we brought Ken up to Daegu. While there I introduced him to the comfort food delights on offer at The Holy Grill (run by a Canadian, serves great slap up Western meals), he later reciprocated by buying me and Mairead dinner there on his last night- loverly fella. We brought him to a DVD Room- essentially, your own private cinema room; big projection screen, you pick a movie and the room is yours...although there are always tissues in the rooms and we believe it is a popular spot for the young korean folk to get their 'freak on' as the kids say...still, I'd wallow in jizz for my own private cinema. He also experienced the delights of the Playstation centre....a load of playstations, a lot of koreans playing pro evo old/new versions and one group of Waygooks (us) playing the new Fifa! Ken contributed to me and him claiming victory in the tournament that night and I've missed his partnership since he's left. We went on a wild one in Daegu after that, allowing Ken to sample some of the many boozy delights downtown. That weekend we hit Busan, although Ken's hangover saturday morning strongly disagreed with going. We got there eventually and had a sweet ass hostel which was essebntially our own private swanky high rise apartment for the night. We arrived late so all we did saturday was go out again, another hazy night for yours truly but I remember a creepy, odd Korean drunk at the bar who had a weird deformed hand which seemed to amount to one Giant finger...I just did my best not to look or get sick when he shook my hand.
The next day the rain was pissing and the wind howling but we managed to get Ken to a temple (they're all the fuckin same- boring as fuck) anyway, spose ya gotta see one when you're here. We also went to a traditional fish market which had been talked up way too much by one of the lads dads while he was visiting here. Was just a loada fish on sale, quite smelly. You could buy it and have it cooked in the restaurant upstairs. We just went for a set menu upstairs. Wasn't great. Not as good as a Maccy D's anyway.
So before Ken went back to Seoul he hung out in Daegu and we mostly played fifa, just like back home. It was great. A little (or large, if you will) slice of home for a week or so. Thoroughly missing the man since his departure and wish I coulda joined him in China to see Bryan.
Well, perhaps Bryan will continue the adventures of Kenneth Tuite in Asia in the China Monologues. For now, its Friday, almost half 4 and that means quitting time! Gonna go home, crack a can and look forward to a wild, black out Paddy's (definitely not paTTy's) Day in Busan!
Peace out Scrotes.
We all knew this blog would be ridiculously infrequent so I'll just bypass the part where I pretend I meant to keep it up to date, fill you in on so much about Korea etc. etc. Well I guess I fail on bypassing it now and have in fact drawn even more attention to it through my fumbling ad clunky prologue.
Fact of the matter is Korea/Korean life has recently become at best mildly entertaining if monotonous and at worst downright infuriating. Cold as well. It was darn cold, but its picking up a bit I guess. Raining on Paddy's day though- load of me tits.
Anyway, as I said we've well and truly hit the hum-drum stage of life over here. Things are no longer new and exciting, more often than not they're bland and boring....still, I'll fill in from our vacation (HOLIDAY! I've started using words such as 'vacation', 'soccer', 'store', 'sidewalk' due to their prevalence in the spoken English in many of the people here- for shame. So yis have that to look forward to when I come home in addition to the fact that teaching elementary school kids here has attacked my own vocabulary and proficiency in the English language exponentially....look at me, desperately tryin to use big words in a feeble attempt to convince myself my English hasn't gone to pot, but it has...oh it has....sentences usually kinda crawl slowly out of my mouth like a not yet ripened turd that you brazenly attempted to pass too early)....well, I love to sidetrack myself....so, yeah- The Philippines, we went on holiday there. I'm not gonna bother peppering the blog post with pictures of our adventures cos they're all on facebook anyway and I'm sure most of you've seen em/can see them, Bryan- you're just gonna have to buck up and join the cool kids if ya wanna see them, here: https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150560643769146.398575.848709145&type=3
PT I: The Philippines.
So in mid-January, we set off for the Philippines. I insisted on leaving for the airport at a ridiculous hour to ensure we made it there on time, my faith in Mairead's ability to be on time ever dwindling over the passing months. We left from Busan airport and arrived in Cebu....long story short, we were sans money and extremely tired...it was in the wee hours...we got ripped off exchanging our remaining korean won to filipino peso and proceeded to bend over and get buggered by the nearest taxi driver who was willing. This fucker took us to our hotel, proceeded to tell us it was not in a good location and looked like a 'haunted hotel' (it actually did, we completely agreed with him, it was isolated, dark and creepy)...we agreed to let him bring us to Cebu city for a place to stay. Along the drive he informs us of a festival on at the moment Sinulog- so essentially, a festival that will ensure that all city accommodations are booked out? Why, of course! What a dick, he drove us round on an all night wild goose chase for new accomodation, culminating with us returning to the haunted hotel. I'd never been more tired in my life and acquiesced to his ridiculous requests for money- we gave him ALL we had transferred in the airport- the cheeky fucker wanted more, I (half-jokingly) told him I had 3,000 korean won (2 euro) in my pocket if he wanted that.....yep, he did. He wanted it. Fucking shithead. Anyway, I was so exhausted I could barely stand still or sign my name on the hotel receipt. We collapsed into bed in the haunted hotel.
So we stayed there and it wasn't so bad. We explored Cebu a bit, found a nice pub called Magellans, experienced the city centre and its fireworks for Sinulog. At one point in downtown Cebu before the fireworks show I was dying for a piss so I headed for the nearest alcohol dispensary. I was greeted at the door by a midget in a jesters outfit- Mairead pleaded me not to go in but I was busting! I ignored the bizarre burlesque surroundings and the cries of "oh, hello Big Senor" from the many (possibly transvestite) hookers inside the place. As I pissed the toilet attendant began chatting to me...I think he called me Big Senor as well. As I went to wash my hands he continued bigging me up then began MASSAGING MY SHOULDERS?!?! ok, this was too weird, I told him 'no thanks, no ladies, just pissing' and I got the hell outta there. Mairead was waiting outside the toilet door. When we went to leave the midget and the scantily clad ladies were blocking it looking at the fireworks, I sheepishly tried to get by and the midget duly parted the sea of hookers for us.
So we decided to leave the madness of Cebu and head to the more secluded island of Bohol. That was the part of the trip for seeing sights. We went on a river cruise, went ziplining(fucking cool), dolphin watching, saw the chocolate hills and some Tarsiers (smallest monkeys in the world, native to the philippines, BIG eyes). We hit a snag when Mairead got one of the worst sunburns I've ever seen. She fell asleep in the sun sans cream, the only time she stirred was to turn onto her back to give that a good aul scorching as well. As we left the beach she was white as a sheet and getting sick...the next few days weren't too pleasant for her but thankfully the burn was abating somewhat by the time we headed to party central Boracay.
Boracay was rated 2nd best beach in asia, only behind Bali. I was underwhelmed to be honest...not sure what I expected...maybe magical sand particles that don't stick to ye or something...but it was pretty nice anyway. We were there for a good solid week or so and all there was to do was eat and drink (which we did in abundance, the food was a welcome change from the muck ya get in Korea). We did go zorbing though which was fun, and parasailing which was kinda boring, although livened up by Mairead getting sick down into the sea from the parasail. We spent a fuckload of money but to hell with it, you're only young once, eh? We also stayed at a place called 'Faith Village Resort' on Boracay....it was kinda weird and was primarily intended for those seeking spiritual renewal...we used the room mainly for drinking and smoking....
So returning from holidays was depressing as fuck. It was cold and miserable in Daegu and we were expected to come to school to deskwarm despite the absence of any work for us to do. I was deskwarming from early January to just this Monday gone...in between there was 1 week I had to teach a little. Its not so bad once your in school, you can read, watch something, listen to music, even sleep, but I was incredibly irked by the fact that I was expected to get up out of bed at 8 a.m to walk in the freezing cold, just to sit on my arse for 8 hours....some days I got away with sneaking home at lunch, another day I got 'politely' told not to be late again cos I showed up at 9 and not 8.30?!?! keep in mind- I hadn't a bit of work to do and hadn't been late at all (early if anything) while teaching....it would get to you but it could be a lot worse. Latest we're hearing is they may not give us our extra time to go home this summer and will try move it to winter. If my school does that I won't be staying a 2nd year unless I find a different job with no desk warming.
To brighten up the drudgery of deskwarming however, we were treated to the delightful company of one Kenneth Tuite in late February/Early March. I managed to get off early the Friday Ken was arriving. I headed up to Seoul as early as I could to meet him at the hostel we'd booked. It was kind of surreal opening the door to the hostel room to find Ken lying there. Ken's bags hadn't made it with him from China due to complications with connection flights, my spirit was beginning to be crushed by the incessant and pointless deskwarming so we shared a rather exasperated embrace (touched willies and all). We shot the shit for a while then explored the area a little. We experienced some of the fine cuisine the Hogik University area of Seoul had to offer before Mairead arrived (kebab, Taco Bell, Burger King. seriously, Korean food- fuck off!)
The next day we were going on the DMZ tour so we took it handy enough. Next morning we struggle out of bed to make it to Camp Kim to embark on our tour of the Demilitarized Zone between North and South Korea. The tour was a surreal experience and a must for anyone who visits Korea. I was actually impressed by it and I'm impressed by nothing here. We visited a tunnel the north had been digging to the south, an observing point where you could look into the north with binoculars (abandoned highways, empty villages, lone soldiers on watch- creepy), a fully built and functional but empty train station that they hope will be operational one day as a connection between north and south and a gateway for Korea to China, Russia, Europe by railroad. Finally we entered the actual DMZ. We were in the negotiation rooms used by the two during armistice talks, literally on the border and we went to an excellent vantage point to see 'Freedom Village' or maybe it was 'Propaganda Village', I forget where you could see into North Koreas 'staged' village full of empty houses with painted on windows.
That night we went out and got wrecked. Was good but my memory is hazy, as is often the case with me on nights here. When I hit the bottle, I hit it hard and the bars stay open till all hours so black outs are frequent.
After that we brought Ken up to Daegu. While there I introduced him to the comfort food delights on offer at The Holy Grill (run by a Canadian, serves great slap up Western meals), he later reciprocated by buying me and Mairead dinner there on his last night- loverly fella. We brought him to a DVD Room- essentially, your own private cinema room; big projection screen, you pick a movie and the room is yours...although there are always tissues in the rooms and we believe it is a popular spot for the young korean folk to get their 'freak on' as the kids say...still, I'd wallow in jizz for my own private cinema. He also experienced the delights of the Playstation centre....a load of playstations, a lot of koreans playing pro evo old/new versions and one group of Waygooks (us) playing the new Fifa! Ken contributed to me and him claiming victory in the tournament that night and I've missed his partnership since he's left. We went on a wild one in Daegu after that, allowing Ken to sample some of the many boozy delights downtown. That weekend we hit Busan, although Ken's hangover saturday morning strongly disagreed with going. We got there eventually and had a sweet ass hostel which was essebntially our own private swanky high rise apartment for the night. We arrived late so all we did saturday was go out again, another hazy night for yours truly but I remember a creepy, odd Korean drunk at the bar who had a weird deformed hand which seemed to amount to one Giant finger...I just did my best not to look or get sick when he shook my hand.
The next day the rain was pissing and the wind howling but we managed to get Ken to a temple (they're all the fuckin same- boring as fuck) anyway, spose ya gotta see one when you're here. We also went to a traditional fish market which had been talked up way too much by one of the lads dads while he was visiting here. Was just a loada fish on sale, quite smelly. You could buy it and have it cooked in the restaurant upstairs. We just went for a set menu upstairs. Wasn't great. Not as good as a Maccy D's anyway.
So before Ken went back to Seoul he hung out in Daegu and we mostly played fifa, just like back home. It was great. A little (or large, if you will) slice of home for a week or so. Thoroughly missing the man since his departure and wish I coulda joined him in China to see Bryan.
Well, perhaps Bryan will continue the adventures of Kenneth Tuite in Asia in the China Monologues. For now, its Friday, almost half 4 and that means quitting time! Gonna go home, crack a can and look forward to a wild, black out Paddy's (definitely not paTTy's) Day in Busan!
Peace out Scrotes.
Monday, 2 January 2012
Kaw-Liss-Ah-Miss-Ugh! and New Years Skiing.
Alright scrotes.
Long time no blog. but put away your hankies yis fairies. Your hero has returned to fill ya in on his Kaw-Liss-Ah-Miss-Ugh (christmas) and New Years antics.
So things have been fairly quiet and normal over here so not much to report but Christmas and New Years were good.
For Christmas Myself, Mairead and fifteen of our friends rented a house in the mountains just outside Daegu called Palgonsan. It was a nice idea and I'm glad we went cos just another night out in Downtown Daegu on Christmas may have been a bit depressing as Christmas away from home was already depressing in itself.
So on xmas eve (interesting tidbit- xmas is not 'sacrilegious' or an attempt to take the christ out of christmas but rather derives from the Greek letter 'chi' which was represented by an X. See, my blogs can be both informative AND boring.) we rose early and met everybody at an Emart (big shop ala tesco etc.) in what I want to say was northern Daegu....I haven't accustomed myself to the city I live in the way I should. So anyway, the West Side Massive which consisted of Me, Mairead and our friend Jem who lives nearby arrived to be greeted by a mountain of booze and food that had already been purchased while also being informed there was still more being bought inside. We went in and got our own booze, bumping into our mates along the way and fuck me, there was a lot of food. Canadian Jon didn't seem impressed, inquiring "Are we seriously gonna go through this huge fawcken tube of chilli powder in two days?"....I tended to agree, it looked a lot. But there was a lot of us. We somehow piled our boxes of food and booze and our 17 bodies in 4 taxis and headed to the mountains.
The journey wasn't too long and we soon were mountainside. We waited while our Korean friend MJ found out exactly where the house was. She was told 'behind the restaurant'. We were standing right outside a restaurant so she instructed us to walk round the back. We all struggled to pick up as much luggage/food/booze we could and trudged away. We went round the back of the restaurant, did a nice little circle were a bag mairead was carrying burst and found ourselves back in the exact same spot we'd started at a minute before. Already people were wheezing. Shit was heavy. Turned out there was another restaurant up a little slope. So we trudged on up there. Bit of a struggle but we made it. The house was sweet, 2 bedrooms, nice big HD TV, decent kitchen area, BBQ etc. The jacks was a little weird....1 urinal, two stalls...I was instantly worried about walk ins mid dump but I tried to put it to the back of my mind (the nagging of the thought never really left me the whole weekend truth be told, leaving me rather soured.).
We went about packing away food/booze and decorating the house a wee bit. I had been made 'Entertainement Director' due to the fact I had my media player. I hooked it up but it was in black and white. Our korean friends asked staff could they help change the TV settings. This struggle went on for a while until I realised I had to change the setting on my harddrive. Felt like a dope but hey, now we had a good selection of xmas movies and tv specials in colour. I'd downloaded a fuckload of xmas music but most of it had mysteriously disappeared so we repeated the same xmas tracklist all weekend. People weren't impressed I'd excluded Mariah Carey but I couldn't give a shit- I'm sick of her and that stupid song.
So we settled down to some xmas entertainemnt and drinks while master chef extraordinaire Gareth Mohammed worked his magic in the kitchen, helped intermittently by different people. Gaz was definitely the hero of the weekend. He cooked the best Fajitas I've ever had for xmas eve dinner and orchestrated a whopper xmas day dinner too. much props.
We did a secret santa and exchanged presents. I got a calendar and a giant alarm clock. Mairead has used em more than me. I had Gaz and got him I, Partridge which he loved.
After we ate we indulged in Boys Vs. Girls charades. I think we got around 10 or so in a row and usually within a few seconds. The game was intense. Accusations and insults were being bandied about the room like they were going out of fashion, tempers flared, bellicosity was unleashed. I think we won the game. It was great craic altogether.
There was a noraebang (korean karaoke room) in the restaurant down the hill so we headed there for shits and giggles. It was good. I chose to do a rendition of 'Without Me' by Eminem. My flow (and memory of the lyrics) were seriously hampered by alcohol and so it wasn't very good. Me and Gaz did do 'If you don't know me by now' inspired by David Brent earlier in the day. We headed back to the house and eventually slept.
Xmas morning was a little rough to begin with but we all gradually got into the swing of it. A hearty breakfast and some more entertainment got us up and at em again. We went for an xmas day walk where two people who were playing with these dogs at a nearby shop stepped in the dogs' shit which was fucking hilarious.
We went back to the house, had dinner which was amazing then chilled out and watched L.A. Confidential which was also very good. We went home on xmas day evening, all pretty depressed at the prospect of school and winter camps the next morning. Ah well....
Chrimbo Dinner:
I completed my English Winter Camp at my school the following Friday and straight after me and Mairead headed on a train to Seoul to stay the night. We were going on a skiing weekend with some of the same people from Xmas and had to get a bus from seoul to go further north at 7.30 a.m. on the saturday. This was the first time I'd been to Seoul but saw nothing as it was just a stop off for skiing.
So me and Mairead only woke up at 7.30 on the saturday and had to race to get our bus. luckily it hadnt left and we werent the last ones to arrive so didnt feel too bad. The journey further north wasn't too bad. We picked up our ski gear at a rental shop and headed for the slopes. We began with a beginners lesson which is where the comedy began. I happened to be standing right next to the instructor so she sent me down the small learners slope first. She told me how to stop and I thought I'd understood. I gave myself a wee push off, didn't fall, didn't stumble, felt ok. Pumped up by our friend Jennie's shout of "go on mark" as I went by her, I gave myself a proper push off, gaining speed. My inner monologue at this point musta ran something like Jez from Peep Show so I'll explain the ordeal that way, as an inner monologue.
"Fuck it, I'm gonna go for it. Yeah. This is one of them things where I'm just a natural at it, I pick it up first time and I'm amazing. Fuck it, I'll go faster. Now to stop. Hmmm, that's not really working....maybe if I...no....Ohhhh fuuuuuuccckkkk...there's so many kids walking by down there. Can;t smash into a kid. Shit, just missed one. There's a pole, I'll use that to stop myself" CRASH! into the pole, one ski flew off me. Korean family nearby looked a little distressed/concerned. I trudged back up the hill. People (especially Jen, who'd encouraged me in the first place) found it very funny. So did I, admittedly. Mairead's turn came up ad hers was quite similar except instead of hitting a pole, she just skiied pretty much all the way to the youth hostel door on site, plonking herself down nearby. After that however, we both figured out turning and stopping. It was a fucker taking off your ski's and trudging back up the hill everytime for the learners slope. one time Mairead attempted to trudge up with her ski's still on (I mastered this)- she was pretty much at the top of the hill again when one foot slipped slightly backwards. This began the slowest, most helpless backwards descent of a hill on ski's I'd ever seen. She slowly went further and further away from me, unable to stop, calling for help (but laughing all the same) until she ended up at the very bottom of the hill again where she took off her ski's and walked up. As this all happened, I could hear the infectious giggle of Aaron Dormer in my head- he'd have enjoyed it so much.
Bored of the learners slope, we hit a beginners slope. The jump from one to the other was pretty big I must say. When we got to the top of the slope via chairlift Mairead was instantly on her arse, sliding out of her seat. I pushed myself off slowly down the slope. Next thing I know, I hear screams of Mark! Mark! behind me. I swivel round to see a ball of pink (mairead) hurtling my way at high speed. I desperately try to get out of the way (gentleman), she tries to grab me to stop herself, doesn't get any purchase. I spin round a couple times but stay on my feet and grab a wooden pole. Mairead crashed into a mesh fence nearby. It was fucking hilarious. Gareth pointed out astutely that it was like something from a 'Carry On' film. I could see mairead would be a while so I took a couple tips from expert skiier Jon 'I-don't-give-a-fuck' Mcintyre and went down the hill. Fuck you go fast. And I hadn't mastered slowing or controlling my speed. If i needed to stop or felt I was going too fast I just fell. I got a little stuck at the side for a while but I hurtled down and thoroughly enjoyed it. Jon advised to just go for it, and not be a pussy about it otherwise ya won't enjoy it. Good advice.
I waited a while for Mairead but reports from the slope suggested her descent would be laborious. Some other people were giving up after rather harrowing experiences down the beginners slope. So I was left with Jon (Canadian, skiing since he was 5), Jules (Jon's mot, skiied a lot), Gaz (naturally good) Jamie (gone skiing a few times) and Shuba (skiied a few times). I only knew that Jon and Jules had skiied at this point so I thought we were all pretty much at the same level. I went with them to what was called the Gondola. As we ascended the cable car it started to look really fucking high up. "no," I thought to myself, "we must go up here, go halfway down then get off".
Nope. We were going for the top. Through sheer ignorance, I'd landed myself on a fucker of a mountain that I had to ski down. "How many runs had you done before this Mark?" "Just that one there!" "Fuck! That's brave" (not brave, I thought, stupid ignorance) "maybe you should go back on the car" "Fuck that fockin DO IT!" (Jon).
So fuck it, I went all the way up, I was gonna come down. From the top there were a range of slopes. Jon went down the expert and we took on the beginners. It was really fuckin high up. I started as slow as I could and for the first while I was ok. Then the slope got a little steeper, busier and trickier. I began to fall on my arse and have trouble getting up. Jules was helping me but I didnt wanna ruin her ski so I told her to go ahead. She later told me every now and then she'd she me flying by, falling on my arse and struggling to get up. Essentially when I began to fall, my mind went a bit and I just wasn't using my technique for slowing/turning etc. properly. So essentially. This is how I was going down. Fast as fuck for a while, fall on my arse, dangerously hurtling down the mountain at full speed, fall on my arse. I had to fall for fear I'd crash into someone. My ski's began to go flying off me as I fell (a problem Jon later cited to be down to my boots and ski's not fitting right with each other) the safety guards patrolling the slope had to help me now and then and urged me to 'go slow' 'I'm trying' I replied. But fuck it, it was a rush even though at one point I thought I might have to slide down the rest of the slope on my arse.
Lo and behold however, from ploughing on with it, I actually had the hang of it by the end of the hill. I bumped into Jon (now on his 4th run since I'd seen him) and he said I looked fine. The lads had seen me from the cable car on another run and said I looked in control. Not bad. I'd overcome the Gondola! Fuckin' A. People were amazed I'd gone down it after only 1 other beginner run and I was touted as a hero. Ignorance truly is bliss I guess. I'm glad I went down it anyway cos it was a helluva an experience. Here's us at the top of the Gondola (I was terrified in reality- brave face and all that):
We gave back our gear after that and hit our dorm rooms to shower and get ready for new years. Pre-drinks were had then we hit a club across the road. We paid 10,000 won in each (about 6.50 yos) I got 2 free drinks cards for walking in last and they were giving free shots of tequila (i had 4 or 5). the club was empty enough though but we had a good laugh. Some people hit the booze a little too hard and the night ended earlier and a little messier than hoped. But we had fun and me and mairead saw some fireworks outside. Gaz ordered Pig's Feet from a korean BBQ for an end of the year meal after the night out. I walked in on him, Jen and Shuba- didn't know it was pig's feet, didn't know they hadn't fully bbq'd it yet, ate some- RANK! Gaz got on well with the lady there. Calling her Mama. Here they are together:
We found out the next day we missed quite a show on the slopes. There were skiiers flying down the mountains with torches blazing, spelling out 2012 and all that jazz. sounded cool, but ah well. once ye have fun thats all that matters.
The trip was topped off by them playing the film The Fighter on the bus on the way back. I was gonna sleep but made myself stay awake for that. Great film. And that was new years.
Hope y'all had fun wherever ye may be.
Stay safe.
Long time no blog. but put away your hankies yis fairies. Your hero has returned to fill ya in on his Kaw-Liss-Ah-Miss-Ugh (christmas) and New Years antics.
So things have been fairly quiet and normal over here so not much to report but Christmas and New Years were good.
For Christmas Myself, Mairead and fifteen of our friends rented a house in the mountains just outside Daegu called Palgonsan. It was a nice idea and I'm glad we went cos just another night out in Downtown Daegu on Christmas may have been a bit depressing as Christmas away from home was already depressing in itself.
So on xmas eve (interesting tidbit- xmas is not 'sacrilegious' or an attempt to take the christ out of christmas but rather derives from the Greek letter 'chi' which was represented by an X. See, my blogs can be both informative AND boring.) we rose early and met everybody at an Emart (big shop ala tesco etc.) in what I want to say was northern Daegu....I haven't accustomed myself to the city I live in the way I should. So anyway, the West Side Massive which consisted of Me, Mairead and our friend Jem who lives nearby arrived to be greeted by a mountain of booze and food that had already been purchased while also being informed there was still more being bought inside. We went in and got our own booze, bumping into our mates along the way and fuck me, there was a lot of food. Canadian Jon didn't seem impressed, inquiring "Are we seriously gonna go through this huge fawcken tube of chilli powder in two days?"....I tended to agree, it looked a lot. But there was a lot of us. We somehow piled our boxes of food and booze and our 17 bodies in 4 taxis and headed to the mountains.
The journey wasn't too long and we soon were mountainside. We waited while our Korean friend MJ found out exactly where the house was. She was told 'behind the restaurant'. We were standing right outside a restaurant so she instructed us to walk round the back. We all struggled to pick up as much luggage/food/booze we could and trudged away. We went round the back of the restaurant, did a nice little circle were a bag mairead was carrying burst and found ourselves back in the exact same spot we'd started at a minute before. Already people were wheezing. Shit was heavy. Turned out there was another restaurant up a little slope. So we trudged on up there. Bit of a struggle but we made it. The house was sweet, 2 bedrooms, nice big HD TV, decent kitchen area, BBQ etc. The jacks was a little weird....1 urinal, two stalls...I was instantly worried about walk ins mid dump but I tried to put it to the back of my mind (the nagging of the thought never really left me the whole weekend truth be told, leaving me rather soured.).
We went about packing away food/booze and decorating the house a wee bit. I had been made 'Entertainement Director' due to the fact I had my media player. I hooked it up but it was in black and white. Our korean friends asked staff could they help change the TV settings. This struggle went on for a while until I realised I had to change the setting on my harddrive. Felt like a dope but hey, now we had a good selection of xmas movies and tv specials in colour. I'd downloaded a fuckload of xmas music but most of it had mysteriously disappeared so we repeated the same xmas tracklist all weekend. People weren't impressed I'd excluded Mariah Carey but I couldn't give a shit- I'm sick of her and that stupid song.
So we settled down to some xmas entertainemnt and drinks while master chef extraordinaire Gareth Mohammed worked his magic in the kitchen, helped intermittently by different people. Gaz was definitely the hero of the weekend. He cooked the best Fajitas I've ever had for xmas eve dinner and orchestrated a whopper xmas day dinner too. much props.
We did a secret santa and exchanged presents. I got a calendar and a giant alarm clock. Mairead has used em more than me. I had Gaz and got him I, Partridge which he loved.
After we ate we indulged in Boys Vs. Girls charades. I think we got around 10 or so in a row and usually within a few seconds. The game was intense. Accusations and insults were being bandied about the room like they were going out of fashion, tempers flared, bellicosity was unleashed. I think we won the game. It was great craic altogether.
There was a noraebang (korean karaoke room) in the restaurant down the hill so we headed there for shits and giggles. It was good. I chose to do a rendition of 'Without Me' by Eminem. My flow (and memory of the lyrics) were seriously hampered by alcohol and so it wasn't very good. Me and Gaz did do 'If you don't know me by now' inspired by David Brent earlier in the day. We headed back to the house and eventually slept.
Xmas morning was a little rough to begin with but we all gradually got into the swing of it. A hearty breakfast and some more entertainment got us up and at em again. We went for an xmas day walk where two people who were playing with these dogs at a nearby shop stepped in the dogs' shit which was fucking hilarious.
We went back to the house, had dinner which was amazing then chilled out and watched L.A. Confidential which was also very good. We went home on xmas day evening, all pretty depressed at the prospect of school and winter camps the next morning. Ah well....
I completed my English Winter Camp at my school the following Friday and straight after me and Mairead headed on a train to Seoul to stay the night. We were going on a skiing weekend with some of the same people from Xmas and had to get a bus from seoul to go further north at 7.30 a.m. on the saturday. This was the first time I'd been to Seoul but saw nothing as it was just a stop off for skiing.
So me and Mairead only woke up at 7.30 on the saturday and had to race to get our bus. luckily it hadnt left and we werent the last ones to arrive so didnt feel too bad. The journey further north wasn't too bad. We picked up our ski gear at a rental shop and headed for the slopes. We began with a beginners lesson which is where the comedy began. I happened to be standing right next to the instructor so she sent me down the small learners slope first. She told me how to stop and I thought I'd understood. I gave myself a wee push off, didn't fall, didn't stumble, felt ok. Pumped up by our friend Jennie's shout of "go on mark" as I went by her, I gave myself a proper push off, gaining speed. My inner monologue at this point musta ran something like Jez from Peep Show so I'll explain the ordeal that way, as an inner monologue.
"Fuck it, I'm gonna go for it. Yeah. This is one of them things where I'm just a natural at it, I pick it up first time and I'm amazing. Fuck it, I'll go faster. Now to stop. Hmmm, that's not really working....maybe if I...no....Ohhhh fuuuuuuccckkkk...there's so many kids walking by down there. Can;t smash into a kid. Shit, just missed one. There's a pole, I'll use that to stop myself" CRASH! into the pole, one ski flew off me. Korean family nearby looked a little distressed/concerned. I trudged back up the hill. People (especially Jen, who'd encouraged me in the first place) found it very funny. So did I, admittedly. Mairead's turn came up ad hers was quite similar except instead of hitting a pole, she just skiied pretty much all the way to the youth hostel door on site, plonking herself down nearby. After that however, we both figured out turning and stopping. It was a fucker taking off your ski's and trudging back up the hill everytime for the learners slope. one time Mairead attempted to trudge up with her ski's still on (I mastered this)- she was pretty much at the top of the hill again when one foot slipped slightly backwards. This began the slowest, most helpless backwards descent of a hill on ski's I'd ever seen. She slowly went further and further away from me, unable to stop, calling for help (but laughing all the same) until she ended up at the very bottom of the hill again where she took off her ski's and walked up. As this all happened, I could hear the infectious giggle of Aaron Dormer in my head- he'd have enjoyed it so much.
Bored of the learners slope, we hit a beginners slope. The jump from one to the other was pretty big I must say. When we got to the top of the slope via chairlift Mairead was instantly on her arse, sliding out of her seat. I pushed myself off slowly down the slope. Next thing I know, I hear screams of Mark! Mark! behind me. I swivel round to see a ball of pink (mairead) hurtling my way at high speed. I desperately try to get out of the way (gentleman), she tries to grab me to stop herself, doesn't get any purchase. I spin round a couple times but stay on my feet and grab a wooden pole. Mairead crashed into a mesh fence nearby. It was fucking hilarious. Gareth pointed out astutely that it was like something from a 'Carry On' film. I could see mairead would be a while so I took a couple tips from expert skiier Jon 'I-don't-give-a-fuck' Mcintyre and went down the hill. Fuck you go fast. And I hadn't mastered slowing or controlling my speed. If i needed to stop or felt I was going too fast I just fell. I got a little stuck at the side for a while but I hurtled down and thoroughly enjoyed it. Jon advised to just go for it, and not be a pussy about it otherwise ya won't enjoy it. Good advice.
I waited a while for Mairead but reports from the slope suggested her descent would be laborious. Some other people were giving up after rather harrowing experiences down the beginners slope. So I was left with Jon (Canadian, skiing since he was 5), Jules (Jon's mot, skiied a lot), Gaz (naturally good) Jamie (gone skiing a few times) and Shuba (skiied a few times). I only knew that Jon and Jules had skiied at this point so I thought we were all pretty much at the same level. I went with them to what was called the Gondola. As we ascended the cable car it started to look really fucking high up. "no," I thought to myself, "we must go up here, go halfway down then get off".
Nope. We were going for the top. Through sheer ignorance, I'd landed myself on a fucker of a mountain that I had to ski down. "How many runs had you done before this Mark?" "Just that one there!" "Fuck! That's brave" (not brave, I thought, stupid ignorance) "maybe you should go back on the car" "Fuck that fockin DO IT!" (Jon).
So fuck it, I went all the way up, I was gonna come down. From the top there were a range of slopes. Jon went down the expert and we took on the beginners. It was really fuckin high up. I started as slow as I could and for the first while I was ok. Then the slope got a little steeper, busier and trickier. I began to fall on my arse and have trouble getting up. Jules was helping me but I didnt wanna ruin her ski so I told her to go ahead. She later told me every now and then she'd she me flying by, falling on my arse and struggling to get up. Essentially when I began to fall, my mind went a bit and I just wasn't using my technique for slowing/turning etc. properly. So essentially. This is how I was going down. Fast as fuck for a while, fall on my arse, dangerously hurtling down the mountain at full speed, fall on my arse. I had to fall for fear I'd crash into someone. My ski's began to go flying off me as I fell (a problem Jon later cited to be down to my boots and ski's not fitting right with each other) the safety guards patrolling the slope had to help me now and then and urged me to 'go slow' 'I'm trying' I replied. But fuck it, it was a rush even though at one point I thought I might have to slide down the rest of the slope on my arse.
Lo and behold however, from ploughing on with it, I actually had the hang of it by the end of the hill. I bumped into Jon (now on his 4th run since I'd seen him) and he said I looked fine. The lads had seen me from the cable car on another run and said I looked in control. Not bad. I'd overcome the Gondola! Fuckin' A. People were amazed I'd gone down it after only 1 other beginner run and I was touted as a hero. Ignorance truly is bliss I guess. I'm glad I went down it anyway cos it was a helluva an experience. Here's us at the top of the Gondola (I was terrified in reality- brave face and all that):
We gave back our gear after that and hit our dorm rooms to shower and get ready for new years. Pre-drinks were had then we hit a club across the road. We paid 10,000 won in each (about 6.50 yos) I got 2 free drinks cards for walking in last and they were giving free shots of tequila (i had 4 or 5). the club was empty enough though but we had a good laugh. Some people hit the booze a little too hard and the night ended earlier and a little messier than hoped. But we had fun and me and mairead saw some fireworks outside. Gaz ordered Pig's Feet from a korean BBQ for an end of the year meal after the night out. I walked in on him, Jen and Shuba- didn't know it was pig's feet, didn't know they hadn't fully bbq'd it yet, ate some- RANK! Gaz got on well with the lady there. Calling her Mama. Here they are together:
We found out the next day we missed quite a show on the slopes. There were skiiers flying down the mountains with torches blazing, spelling out 2012 and all that jazz. sounded cool, but ah well. once ye have fun thats all that matters.
The trip was topped off by them playing the film The Fighter on the bus on the way back. I was gonna sleep but made myself stay awake for that. Great film. And that was new years.
Hope y'all had fun wherever ye may be.
Stay safe.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)