Alright scrotes. (Off to Vietnam in a bit to see Bryan but before that, enjoy this wee musing on Korean life)
Twas the day before Chuseok, Teachers desks had been warmed,
Requests to leave early had been wrathfully scorned.
So sat at his desk like a dog with two dicks,
(But sadly with no one to fondle those pricks)
Mark Teacher began to imagine a poem
To send to his family and friends back at home.
He thought of the people he'd met over here,
Who ranged from the sound to incredibly queer.
And of course I mean queer in the strange kind of way-
Seinfeld has taught me that its fine to be gay.
But now time to get ourselves back on track
To the teachers in Korea and all that they lack.
Stupidity abounds like clockwork each day,
On facebook where people don't think but just say.
For groups are devoted to discuss Daegu living
But the questions they ask just can't be forgiven.
Now I must warn what you're about to hear
Are genuine queries from some folks who are here.
I rhymed hear with here and feel I should explain,
That times running out and I must soon catch my plane.
"Where can I buy X video game?"
This country and yours you'll find are the same.
"Where can I get my hair cut just right?"
Show them a picture and you'll be alright.
"Can someone tell me where to buy tampons?" you say
It makes it no better they're for your fiancée.
"Where do I find this bus or that train?"
Don't make me refer you to google again.
"Please explain the difference between 'will' and 'going to'"
If you're going to be thick then I will punch you.
"Do any English speakers sell contact lenses?"
You need numbers not English, please come to your senses.
"Do I have to give gifts to my teachers today?"
Do if ya want, or don't, either way.
And the worst one of all I'll save for the end,
The lack of good sense I could not comprehend,
When yesterday when clearly the King of The Tards,
Enquired where one could buy a deck of cards.
Are these people unable to fend for themselves?
For I've seen many cards on many shops shelves.
For the simplest thing you'll find they inquire,
With no sense of sarcasm, wit or satire.
If one didn't laugh, one would get depressed
But I've found a few friends so fuck all the rest.
Hope y'all enjoyed. Peace. Happ Chuseok.
Thursday, 27 September 2012
Monday, 10 September 2012
This Things I Believe.
Hello Chingus!
It's been a long time since this blog saw any action so I thought I best give it a good and thorough seeing to seen as Year Dos has now began in Korea. I've had the extraordinary privilege of seeing most if not all your beautiful faces back home quite recently, indeed the salty remnants of those goodbye tears you all shed I'm sure still remain on your cheeks. Alas, such is life. So it goes.
So I thought I'd keep this blog post good and simple, like my brain. As most of you gathered from my musings on Korea while back in the Emerald Isle (and its hotter older sister Denmark) all is not always rosy in these parts. That's not to say "I hate it" as I found out my Dad told Maireads family at the airport. There are good points to the place, there are bad points. The people I (and most other teachers here) find a little odd and Korean customs can range from the mildly amusing to the downright baffling. All this before you even begin to consider the type of character who typically applies to be a teacher here AND before adding a whole host of Muscle Bound Meat Head Military Freaks and their stank ass Ho's. So, without further ado, in a swift and fleeting manner I will know attempt to recount to you some of the things I've learned and discovered here over the past 13 months or so- my observations on the goings on around me in humble little Daegu if you will.
So, this things I believe:
1. Irish people really are everywhere, really are drawn to each other and are generally better craic than most people.
2. Staying with nationalities, (excluding inevitable deviations here and there), the soundest nationalities among a large expat community are as follows: Canadian, Irish, English/Scottish/Welsh. On the other end of the spectrum, I (and many others) have found it to be generally true that the biggest head melters/weirdos/arseholes are: Americans, South Africans. Get Out.
3. Football will keep any football loving boy sane, no matter where he is.
4. A lack of recreational drugs leads to borderline alcoholism among many who before didn't drink a huge amount.
5. Korean people are 'wank walkers' to quote a roommate of mine. From diagonal street crossing to head simultaneously inside both phone and arse to standing on every and all escalators in a clammered bunch so as to impede anyone who may actually, you know, want to also use their legs while on the escalator.....in general, they seem to have taken a misstep with this oh so simplest of human tasks. So it goes.
6. Korean people don't question authority to a worrying level. They collectively believe in the preposterous 'Fan Death', they have a set date where heating/Air-Con go on/off and will not waver from them and my Co-Teacher gets permission from my Vice Principal if I want to nip out to the shop.....??? Without wanting to sound too racist, I find it little wonder that it is people of Korean nationality who are currently living in the most oppressive/backward/brainwashed country in the world. The propensity for questioning authority does not compute in general.
7. Korean taxi's are cheap as fuck and that is amazing.
8. Koreans need to travel abroad more.
9. A lot of people who are going to Korea to teach are weiners. They had no life at home and they hope that maybe somehow they will have one here. Generally they congregate together and they do have somewhat of a life, so whatever, fair play to them, just don't talk to me.
10. Kimchi is better cooked than cold.
11. Korean food can staaaaaaaannnnnnnnnk.
12. Korean food can be ridiculously good and ridiculously cheap when it wants to be. Just gotta up the general standard and drop the war diet.
13. Korean sweat has a distinctively different smell to Western sweat. I've heard they say we smell like dairy. Better dairy than shit mate.
14. London slang can be incredibly fun to use e.g. Cotch- relax, as in to cotch on the couch, to go for a cotch.
15. Sitting at a desk for half the day will make you comment, like and post on facebook to a degree where it seems you have no life. And you don't.
16. Couples dressing may be the gayest heterosexual thing I will ever see.
17. Squatters are grim.
18. Kids are annoying.
19. I am not meant to teach kids this age for a living .
20. Not even a McDonalds delivery service will motivate me to learn Korean.
21. Korean people are not good at respecting a queue and in general the older they are the worse they will be.
22. Living in an apartment which has 2 Xbox's, 2 Wii's and a PS3 makes you feel like a proper Jedi.
23. Being far away from family and friends can really suck balls.
24. Making new and genuine friends from different parts of the world is Super Cris.
25. Beer Pong is a game of Kings.
26. A deck of cards is an essential companion to any night out.
27. Korean beer is wank.
28. So are Korean bar snacks.
29. I din't think it was possible to get Pizza so wrong until I came to Korea.
30. Some Koreans aren't even aware there are web browsers other than Internet Explorer. This results in god awful websites near to impossible to navigate.
31. Koreans can be very stubborn when they think they are right and everyone else wrong.
32. The bad Asian driver stereotype is completely true (at least in the case of Koreans).
33. 4.30 a.m. is too late to stay up for football with work the next day, even if it is the Champions League.
34. Scrubbing a bathroom floor on your hands and knees for the first time will give you a new found respect for your Mother that you should have had all along.
35. There is good and bad everywhere.
36. Life's too short to bitch and moan, you should just enjoy it.
There might be more, there probably is but the last two are the most important anyway and kinda cancel out the previous 34 anyway. Making this post largely irrelevant. I apologise profusely for wasting your time.
Peace out Chingus!
Stay safe and as a wise man once said:
EXPERIENCE LIIIIIIIIIIIIFFFFFFFFFFFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's been a long time since this blog saw any action so I thought I best give it a good and thorough seeing to seen as Year Dos has now began in Korea. I've had the extraordinary privilege of seeing most if not all your beautiful faces back home quite recently, indeed the salty remnants of those goodbye tears you all shed I'm sure still remain on your cheeks. Alas, such is life. So it goes.
So I thought I'd keep this blog post good and simple, like my brain. As most of you gathered from my musings on Korea while back in the Emerald Isle (and its hotter older sister Denmark) all is not always rosy in these parts. That's not to say "I hate it" as I found out my Dad told Maireads family at the airport. There are good points to the place, there are bad points. The people I (and most other teachers here) find a little odd and Korean customs can range from the mildly amusing to the downright baffling. All this before you even begin to consider the type of character who typically applies to be a teacher here AND before adding a whole host of Muscle Bound Meat Head Military Freaks and their stank ass Ho's. So, without further ado, in a swift and fleeting manner I will know attempt to recount to you some of the things I've learned and discovered here over the past 13 months or so- my observations on the goings on around me in humble little Daegu if you will.
So, this things I believe:
1. Irish people really are everywhere, really are drawn to each other and are generally better craic than most people.
2. Staying with nationalities, (excluding inevitable deviations here and there), the soundest nationalities among a large expat community are as follows: Canadian, Irish, English/Scottish/Welsh. On the other end of the spectrum, I (and many others) have found it to be generally true that the biggest head melters/weirdos/arseholes are: Americans, South Africans. Get Out.
3. Football will keep any football loving boy sane, no matter where he is.
4. A lack of recreational drugs leads to borderline alcoholism among many who before didn't drink a huge amount.
5. Korean people are 'wank walkers' to quote a roommate of mine. From diagonal street crossing to head simultaneously inside both phone and arse to standing on every and all escalators in a clammered bunch so as to impede anyone who may actually, you know, want to also use their legs while on the escalator.....in general, they seem to have taken a misstep with this oh so simplest of human tasks. So it goes.
6. Korean people don't question authority to a worrying level. They collectively believe in the preposterous 'Fan Death', they have a set date where heating/Air-Con go on/off and will not waver from them and my Co-Teacher gets permission from my Vice Principal if I want to nip out to the shop.....??? Without wanting to sound too racist, I find it little wonder that it is people of Korean nationality who are currently living in the most oppressive/backward/brainwashed country in the world. The propensity for questioning authority does not compute in general.
7. Korean taxi's are cheap as fuck and that is amazing.
8. Koreans need to travel abroad more.
9. A lot of people who are going to Korea to teach are weiners. They had no life at home and they hope that maybe somehow they will have one here. Generally they congregate together and they do have somewhat of a life, so whatever, fair play to them, just don't talk to me.
10. Kimchi is better cooked than cold.
11. Korean food can staaaaaaaannnnnnnnnk.
12. Korean food can be ridiculously good and ridiculously cheap when it wants to be. Just gotta up the general standard and drop the war diet.
13. Korean sweat has a distinctively different smell to Western sweat. I've heard they say we smell like dairy. Better dairy than shit mate.
14. London slang can be incredibly fun to use e.g. Cotch- relax, as in to cotch on the couch, to go for a cotch.
15. Sitting at a desk for half the day will make you comment, like and post on facebook to a degree where it seems you have no life. And you don't.
16. Couples dressing may be the gayest heterosexual thing I will ever see.
17. Squatters are grim.
18. Kids are annoying.
19. I am not meant to teach kids this age for a living .
20. Not even a McDonalds delivery service will motivate me to learn Korean.
21. Korean people are not good at respecting a queue and in general the older they are the worse they will be.
22. Living in an apartment which has 2 Xbox's, 2 Wii's and a PS3 makes you feel like a proper Jedi.
23. Being far away from family and friends can really suck balls.
24. Making new and genuine friends from different parts of the world is Super Cris.
25. Beer Pong is a game of Kings.
26. A deck of cards is an essential companion to any night out.
27. Korean beer is wank.
28. So are Korean bar snacks.
29. I din't think it was possible to get Pizza so wrong until I came to Korea.
30. Some Koreans aren't even aware there are web browsers other than Internet Explorer. This results in god awful websites near to impossible to navigate.
31. Koreans can be very stubborn when they think they are right and everyone else wrong.
32. The bad Asian driver stereotype is completely true (at least in the case of Koreans).
33. 4.30 a.m. is too late to stay up for football with work the next day, even if it is the Champions League.
34. Scrubbing a bathroom floor on your hands and knees for the first time will give you a new found respect for your Mother that you should have had all along.
35. There is good and bad everywhere.
36. Life's too short to bitch and moan, you should just enjoy it.
There might be more, there probably is but the last two are the most important anyway and kinda cancel out the previous 34 anyway. Making this post largely irrelevant. I apologise profusely for wasting your time.
Peace out Chingus!
Stay safe and as a wise man once said:
EXPERIENCE LIIIIIIIIIIIIFFFFFFFFFFFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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