Squatter's Rights!

Thar' she blows.

Well scrotes, I'd like to introduce you all to the toilet I'm expected to use in school. Not only am I expected to use these, there's the added perk of sharing them with the fifth and sixth grade students. So a piss stenched hell hole or 'pee pee soaked heck hole' is what was awaiting me when I first had to tackle the delicate matter of voiding my bowels during the work day. 

For a few weeks I restricted myself to using the urinals to have a piss, despite them being tailored towards children, I didn't mind this so much. For the first few weeks my school cafeteria was being renovated so I was able to retreat to the sanctuary of my studio apartment where the shit fell out of me like clockwork each lunchtime. Now passing clockwork through your arse might not sound too pleasant but it was better than using a child's squatter anyway. 

Disaster struck when after the first few weeks passed, we were informed we would now have to bring our lunch into school with us, no more leaving the school grounds, my fellow native co-teacher worried about having to cook/prepare something for lunch, I was instantly hit with the stark realisation of having to face the shitty music. Those of you who know me very well will know what a serial shitter I am, so these were dark dark times. 

Now facing these toilets came with other problems other than the fact that they were squatters. The doors are fucking tiny as is the cubicle space in general. "How the hell do the other teachers willingly go along with this?" I wondered aloud while sitting at my desk. Surely a staff toilet isn't too much to ask. As I mentioned before the place also reeks of the miss the bowl pisses that peppered the toilet floor as aim is clearly not a priority for Korean boys aged between 11-13. In addition, do you think they have individual bog roll for each cubicle?? no no no, of course not, why would you? this is Korea, we do it 'better', we have a nice communal dispenser to meet you at the door so any other attendants in the toilet can see just how many inches of bog roll you expect to need in there. Essentially, you announce to the whole damn place how messy you think this encounter with your bowels may turn out. This is the norm in Korean public toilets and its fucking annoying- I don't want people seeing how much I use....I think its intentionally done so out of sheer embarrassment, if nothing else, you'll be more economical. No one wants to be stood at the communal dispenser for ages taking reams and reams of paper. Its just not a comfortable experience. There is of course the tricky issue of the students you may encounter in the toilet as well....they don't go home till half 2 and many stay after for extra classes so there's always the chance you'll run into one of them on your trip to drop a deuce. Knowing how cruel kids can be, the sight of you disappearing into a cubicle with a handful of bog roll and not reappearing until 5 or so minutes later (depending on how clean the fudge dragon you cook up passes), will spread throughout the school like wildfire. 

Soon enough, my despair with the situation turned into anguish. The first while I just couldn't bring myself to go ahead with the ordeal. I sat in extreme discomfort at my desk for easily half the day, very close to just bolting out the door and heading for the nearby safehaven of my apartment. 

As the discomfort increased so, naturally, did my anger. Initial bemusement gave way firstly to indignation and then downright blind rage. Eventually I vented my frustrations via facebook message to Mairead who was willing to listen but thought I should man up and just go. She made the salient point of the damage I was doing to my bowels. she was right, the inability to squat over that horrid hole and squeeze out a chocolate hot dog was not worth getting bowel cancer over. It was late afternoon, no kids in sight I crept into the toilet with ninja like stealth, determined not to be detected. I opened the first door and practically shat myself in anger. NO FUCKING BIN TO PUT THE BOG ROLL IN???? ARE YOU FCKIG KIDDING ME?!?!?!?! No such luck on the next two doors either, finally the last cubicle yielded results.

So my first attempt at using a squatter to pass a dook and it just was not as straightforward as I hoped. I hovered very unsure over the gaping maw of the jacks with my pants now down around my ankles....'what fuck sort of way do I do this?' I wondered. Fuck. I'd forgotten the bog roll. Enraged I said fuck this and held it in one more day. I just couldn't do it.

The next time, I remembered to collect my bog roll on entry, yanking it with real frustration out of the dispenser. The whole time as I contemplated the whole issue I constantly ran ranting monologues through my head "how the fuck do they expect us to face this every day? surely they know we're gonna inevitably have to shit, its bad enough we practically baby sit these little fuckers all day and can't get a moments peace with them hounding you for hello's and nice to meet you's- we have to share the fucking toilets with them?? and they stink! how do the other teachers put up with this? It is not a comfortable fucking work environement...is a fucking staff toilet too much to ask for....one sitter somewhere in this godforsaken place....fuck this, I'm going back to Ireland, I need to know I can shit in comfort at my workplace....FUCK THIS!!!"

Rant over, I attempted to squat again with much trepidation....this just was not fair. After some informal chats about the process of 'squatting for a dook' I had learned of 3 techniques for staying balanced. One was The Eagle. You squatted and sent both arms out to the sides to each wall to keep balance. There was the Keeping the Door Closed- both arms outstretched and pressed against the door, serving the double purpose of keeping you balanced while ensuring no unwanted visitors come in in case the lock is broken and then the Front and Back one arm stretched to the door, the other to the back wall. Naturally I found myself a Keeping the Door Closed guy but have since been converted to the Front and Back. As i eventually squatted, with my hands desperately applying pressure to the door, praying that no one would walk in, I questioned whether I had the aim correct- in two respects. Firstly, you'd be surprised how unsure you are that you're definitly gonna hit the porcelain when squatting like that. The balance was still not perfect and I worried about a possible sway resulting in a shit stained floor. They'd know the culprit was the Westerner accustomed to ya know, sitting on a seat while I shit....imagine that? Crazy foreigners, eh?? Fuck off. The second matter was, being fully aware that a certain amount of urine inevitably passes with the pressure of the push when evacuating your bowels, I wondered how the fuck, squatting like this would I not piss on my jeans around my ankles......This one still worries me every time I tackle the squatters....I find I have to shit and then when I feel the piss coming kinda scuttle back a bit and make sure I get a hand down there to aim my dick away from the trousers....I really have had to do that every time I've used a squatter....lovely imagery for all I'm sure. 

Anyway, I took a deep breath and went. It wasn't exactly my finest turd, it certainly wasn't a no wiper- much to my irritation I still await my first no wiper here in Korea. The place stank as there's no water to mask any of the smell, just a nice dry turd steaming away beneath ya....I flushed, wiped as quick as I could and got the fuck out of there. Fear overcome, but I still never wanted to go back.

Alas, I did return however quite a few times. Until I finally discovered......can you believe it, in the school's gym:

Halle-fucking-lujah! A fucking proper sit down shitter! I'd never been so happy to see one in my fuckin life. The cubicles a little cramped and the toilet itself a little low (but thats the norm for korean shitters) but thank fuck, it was a shitter. 

A couple of awkward encounters with the PE teacher when entering the gym made me still use the squatter the odd time. An embarrassed nod of the head as his eyes locked with mine, seeming to silently accuse 'I know that its you leaving all the shit stained bog roll in the bin in that cubicle'. But now I don't give a fuck, every day, anytime since there's no students there, I go and have my shit in relative peace (except if PE is on, then its a quick Dump and Run). And there's no fuckin way I'm goin back to a squatter unless in absolute dire need. I'm all for different cultures and the fact that different countries do things differently but I can say unequivocally, without a shred or hint of doubt that on the toilet front- Korea bad, Western World good.

And that goes for all the other dirty squatters out there.

yeah I'm talking bout you.......

Later scrotes!