The Tuite man Cometh (and other excursions)

Alright Scrotes, Romans, C(o)untrymen.

We all knew this blog would be ridiculously infrequent so I'll just bypass the part where I pretend I meant to keep it up to date, fill you in on so much about Korea etc. etc. Well I guess I fail on bypassing it now and have in fact drawn even more attention to it through my fumbling ad clunky prologue.

Fact of the matter is Korea/Korean life has recently become at best mildly entertaining if monotonous and at worst downright infuriating. Cold as well. It was darn cold, but its picking up a bit I guess. Raining on Paddy's day though- load of me tits.

Anyway, as I said we've well and truly hit the hum-drum stage of life over here. Things are no longer new and exciting, more often than not they're bland and boring....still, I'll fill in from our vacation (HOLIDAY! I've started using words such as 'vacation', 'soccer', 'store', 'sidewalk' due to their prevalence in the spoken English in many of the people here- for shame. So yis have that to look forward to when I come home in addition to the fact that teaching elementary school kids here has attacked my own vocabulary and proficiency in the English language exponentially....look at me, desperately tryin to use big words in a feeble attempt to convince myself my English hasn't gone to pot, but it has...oh it has....sentences usually kinda crawl slowly out of my mouth like a not yet ripened turd that you brazenly attempted to pass too early)....well, I love to sidetrack myself....so, yeah- The Philippines, we went on holiday there. I'm not gonna bother peppering the blog post with pictures of our adventures cos they're all on facebook anyway and I'm sure most of you've seen em/can see them, Bryan- you're just gonna have to buck up and join the cool kids if ya wanna see them, here: https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150560643769146.398575.848709145&type=3

PT I: The Philippines.

So in mid-January, we set off for the Philippines. I insisted on leaving for the airport at a ridiculous hour to ensure we made it there on time, my faith in Mairead's ability to be on time ever dwindling over the passing months. We left from Busan airport and arrived in Cebu....long story short, we were sans money and extremely tired...it was in the wee hours...we got ripped off exchanging our remaining korean won to filipino peso and proceeded to bend over and get buggered by the nearest taxi driver who was willing. This fucker took us to our hotel, proceeded to tell us it was not in a good location and looked like a 'haunted hotel' (it actually did, we completely agreed with him, it was isolated, dark and creepy)...we agreed to let him bring us to Cebu city for a place to stay. Along the drive he informs us of a festival on at the moment Sinulog- so essentially, a festival that will ensure that all city accommodations are booked out? Why, of course! What a dick, he drove us round on an all night wild goose chase for new accomodation, culminating with us returning to the haunted hotel. I'd never been more tired in my life and acquiesced to his ridiculous requests for money- we gave him ALL we had transferred in the airport- the cheeky fucker wanted more, I (half-jokingly) told him I had 3,000 korean won (2 euro) in my pocket if he wanted that.....yep, he did. He wanted it. Fucking shithead. Anyway, I was so exhausted I could barely stand still or sign my name on the hotel receipt. We collapsed into bed in the haunted hotel.

So we stayed there and it wasn't so bad. We explored Cebu a bit, found a nice pub called Magellans, experienced the city centre and its fireworks for Sinulog. At one point in downtown Cebu before the fireworks show I was dying for a piss so I headed for the nearest alcohol dispensary. I was greeted at the door by a midget in a jesters outfit- Mairead pleaded me not to go in but I was busting! I ignored the bizarre burlesque surroundings and the cries of "oh, hello Big Senor" from the many (possibly transvestite) hookers inside the place. As I pissed the toilet attendant began chatting to me...I think he called me Big Senor as well. As I went to wash my hands he continued bigging me up then began MASSAGING MY SHOULDERS?!?! ok, this was too weird, I told him 'no thanks, no ladies, just pissing' and I got the hell outta there. Mairead was waiting outside the toilet door. When we went to leave the midget and the scantily clad ladies were blocking it looking at the fireworks, I sheepishly tried to get by and the midget duly parted the sea of hookers for us.

So we decided to leave the madness of Cebu and head to the more secluded island of Bohol. That was the part of the trip for seeing sights. We went on a river cruise, went ziplining(fucking cool), dolphin watching, saw the chocolate hills and some Tarsiers (smallest monkeys in the world, native to the philippines, BIG eyes). We hit a snag when Mairead got one of the worst sunburns I've ever seen. She fell asleep in the sun sans cream, the only time she stirred was to turn onto her back to give that a good aul scorching as well. As we left the beach she was white as a sheet and getting sick...the next few days weren't too pleasant for her but thankfully the burn was abating somewhat by the time we headed to party central Boracay.

Boracay was rated 2nd best beach in asia, only behind Bali. I was underwhelmed to be honest...not sure what I expected...maybe magical sand particles that don't stick to ye or something...but it was pretty nice anyway. We were there for a good solid week or so and all there was to do was eat and drink (which we did in abundance, the food was a welcome change from the muck ya get in Korea). We did go zorbing though which was fun, and parasailing which was kinda boring, although livened up by Mairead getting sick down into the sea from the parasail. We spent a fuckload of money but to hell with it, you're only young once, eh? We also stayed at a place called 'Faith Village Resort' on Boracay....it was kinda weird and was primarily intended for those seeking spiritual renewal...we used the room mainly for drinking and smoking....

So returning from holidays was depressing as fuck. It was cold and miserable in Daegu and we were expected to come to school to deskwarm despite the absence of any work for us to do. I was deskwarming from early January to just this Monday gone...in between there was 1 week I had to teach a little. Its not so bad once your in school, you can read, watch something, listen to music, even sleep, but I was incredibly irked by the fact that I was expected to get up out of bed at 8 a.m to walk in the freezing cold, just to sit on my arse for 8 hours....some days I got away with sneaking home at lunch, another day I got 'politely' told not to be late again cos I showed up at 9 and not 8.30?!?! keep in mind- I hadn't a bit of work to do and hadn't been late at all (early if anything) while teaching....it would get to you but it could be a lot worse. Latest we're hearing is they may not give us our extra time to go home this summer and will try move it to winter. If my school does that I won't be staying a 2nd year unless I find a different job with no desk warming.

To brighten up the drudgery of deskwarming however, we were treated to the delightful company of one Kenneth Tuite in late February/Early March. I managed to get off early the Friday Ken was arriving. I headed up to Seoul as early as I could to meet him at the hostel we'd booked. It was kind of surreal opening the door to the hostel room to find Ken lying there. Ken's bags hadn't made it with him from China due to complications with connection flights, my spirit was beginning to be crushed by the incessant and pointless deskwarming so we shared a rather exasperated embrace (touched willies and all). We shot the shit for a while then explored the area a little. We experienced some of the fine cuisine the Hogik University area of Seoul had to offer before Mairead arrived (kebab, Taco Bell, Burger King. seriously, Korean food- fuck off!)

The next day we were going on the DMZ tour so we took it handy enough. Next morning we struggle out of bed to make it to Camp Kim to embark on our tour of the Demilitarized Zone between North and South Korea. The tour was a surreal experience and a must for anyone who visits Korea. I was actually impressed by it and I'm impressed by nothing here. We visited a tunnel the north had been digging to the south, an observing point where you could look into the north with binoculars (abandoned highways, empty villages, lone soldiers on watch- creepy), a fully built and functional but empty train station that they hope will be operational one day as a connection between north and south and a gateway for Korea to China, Russia, Europe by railroad. Finally we entered the actual DMZ. We were in the negotiation rooms used by the two during armistice talks, literally on the border and we went to an excellent vantage point to see 'Freedom Village' or maybe it was 'Propaganda Village', I forget where you could see into North Koreas 'staged' village full of empty houses with painted on windows.

That night we went out and got wrecked. Was good but my memory is hazy, as is often the case with me on nights here. When I hit the bottle, I hit it hard and the bars stay open till all hours so black outs are frequent.

After that we brought Ken up to Daegu. While there I introduced him to the comfort food delights on offer at The Holy Grill (run by a Canadian, serves great slap up Western meals), he later reciprocated by buying me and Mairead dinner there on his last night- loverly fella. We brought him to a DVD Room- essentially, your own private cinema room; big projection screen, you pick a movie and the room is yours...although there are always tissues in the rooms and we believe it is a popular spot for the young korean folk to get their 'freak on' as the kids say...still, I'd wallow in jizz for my own private cinema. He also experienced the delights of the Playstation centre....a load of playstations, a lot of koreans playing pro evo old/new versions and one group of Waygooks (us) playing the new Fifa! Ken contributed to me and him claiming victory in the tournament that night and I've missed his partnership since he's left. We went on a wild one in Daegu after that, allowing Ken to sample some of the many boozy delights downtown. That weekend we hit Busan, although Ken's hangover saturday morning strongly disagreed with going. We got there eventually and had a sweet ass hostel which was essebntially our own private swanky high rise apartment for the night. We arrived late so all we did saturday was go out again, another hazy night for yours truly but I remember a creepy, odd Korean drunk at the bar who had a weird deformed hand which seemed to amount to one Giant finger...I just did my best not to look or get sick when he shook my hand.

The next day the rain was pissing and the wind howling but we managed to get Ken to a temple (they're all the fuckin same- boring as fuck) anyway, spose ya gotta see one when you're here. We also went to a traditional fish market which had been talked up way too much by one of the lads dads while he was visiting here. Was just a loada fish on sale, quite smelly. You could buy it and have it cooked in the restaurant upstairs. We just went for a set menu upstairs. Wasn't great. Not as good as a Maccy D's anyway.

So before Ken went back to Seoul he hung out in Daegu and we mostly played fifa, just like back home. It was great. A little (or large, if you will) slice of home for a week or so. Thoroughly missing the man since his departure and wish I coulda joined him in China to see Bryan.

Well, perhaps Bryan will continue the adventures of Kenneth Tuite in Asia in the China Monologues. For now, its Friday, almost half 4 and that means quitting time! Gonna go home, crack a can and look forward to a wild, black out Paddy's (definitely not paTTy's) Day in Busan!

Peace out Scrotes.